So I know I haven't visited this place in a long time, but I need to release and it feels like theres no one to go all out to. I took for granted the support and open ears I used to have. So, I'll talk, or shall I say write, to anyone who crosses this page. Right now I'm in a whole other place in my life. I'm stuck in a situation that I have complete power to get out of...but I can't, I'm just not ready and I'm terrified I never will be, and I'll become indifferent and immune to all of my problems, and accept them as a part of my life. This is one life experience I feel I cannot completely handle and am too selfish to be ready to deal with. You see, I love someone and he loves me too...but the relationship is ridiculous, and being this my first time in a serious relationship, I'm confused by everyting. My emotions aren't clear. I don't know where I want to be and who I want to be with, if anyone at all. Am I still even attracted to him? I know things don't feel the same, but is that what comfortable feels like? The lustre's gone, that excitement dies off? None of this is clear... but I'm pretty clear on what I want to do...which is what brings me to my biggest dilemma; and I'm sure everyone has gone through this before and sees thsi as a minor bump in the road of life, but right now, to me, this is like mount everest. I have no idea what to do, and the most painful part is, that I know I have the potential to be happy and I'm pretty sure I know how to do it, but it isn't possible with the person I'm with right now. I'm not ready to let go, I still wanna kick that dead horse; pointless or not, I'm just worried I'll never be ready. I feel like in the past year I've abandoned my good friends and at the same time, I've been somewhat abandoned. People who I used to pour my soul out to, I feel I can't say a word, unless I prepare myself for judgement and rolling eyes warning me that they're not going to deal with my problems anymore. And this other half of mine is just the same. I have never been so caught in the middle, lost, dazed, oblivious, ignorant, up and down, and all the while completely aware of everything. I'm the narrator of my life. I'm just not strong enough to end it, although we've both come close. Right now I'm not strong enough, and I fear neither is he. I don't know who to confide in, I feel I've pushed everyone away.

What to do...what to do....


=crying